Category Archives: The Longest Nights

Tonights plans


So tonight’s prom and I’m staying home and planning on doing nothing more than binge watching Pretty Little Liars and eating ice cream and drinking coffee and feeling bad for myself and then getting mad at myself for being a little bitch.

But I guess that last part isn’t too out of the ordinary is it. I don’t know. I guess I’m just exhausted, not just physically but emotionally and mentally.

All I want is for Seth to hold me.. To love me.. To make me feel wanted and happy…

But I also want him to be happy and I guess if I can’t do that for him then I need to let someone else do it…

Day Dreams and What-Ifs


I think I’m slowly starting to realize that maybe just maybe it’s not that I can’t move on without you but rather that I don’t want to. Maybe I don’t want to go a day in my life without you in it.

I’m sure that after I cried all the tears that my barely used tear ducts could manage, I would be able to go through my days as I did before I met you…

But you gave me the best days of my life, and I don’t want to lose those.

It’s weird to think that you have literally saved my life and I’m not sure you even know that. I think about you every second…
of every minute…
of every hour…
of every day…
of every week…
of every month…
of every year…

And I have no idea if I ever cross your mind. Ever.
You’re all I want but I know that since I cherish our friendship, I can’t tell you that.

And that is painful.

I have a longing desire to be held, and I used to not care by who, I would take any form of love from anyone who was willing to love me.. even if just for one night

But not now..

Now all I want is you. I want your arms to be wrapped around my body with our hands interlocked. I want to be close to you and hear your heartbeat. I want to be the reason you smile and the reason you can go through the day. I want you to look forward to seeing me at the end of a hard day at work

But I know that’s irrational
I know that you could never feel towards me what I feel towards you

You barely talk to me anymore and it seems like I’ve done something wrong.. pushed too hard… stepped too far… said the wrong thing..
But you insist I didn’t…

It’s even more terrifying because I think I love you

But I guess I’ll just have to live of daydreams and what-ifs

Follow Up


So to follow-up on the post from like 5 days ago… I finally asked the guy I liked (whom from now on I’m going to call Seth) who it was he was going to prom with and it was none other than one of the girls that I hate the most. She dated this guy who’s like my brother for close to 2 years and she broke up with him this year because, and I quote “this whole relationship has been a joke and I never loved you” AFTER TWO DAMNED YEARS!!! I ended up breaking up with the guy I was dating at the time and he decided that I was the bad guy and for him to cope he was going to treat every girl from now on like she did to my “brother”. I was (and still sort of am) genuinely and completely pissed off.

So me being a normal person didn’t mention any of this to Seth because, as much it killed me inside, it wasn’t my place. since he’s going with the slutbag I’m planning on staying home the night of prom (which I think is next week) and watching Netflix, and eating junk food and drinking coffee…

…and maybe shedding a few tears… maybe..

Well… goodnight guys. It’s still early but if I stay up much longer I’ll get depressed all over again, so I’m gonna call it a night. I’ll try to post some poetry tomorrow.

Long Nights


I had a therapist ask me what my triggers were, and at the time I couldn’t answer her, but now I could.

Nights.

The night is the most triggering thing for me.

All I want is to be held and to fall asleep in someone’s arms… Or at least be the person they dream about.

But I know that’s highly unlikely to ever happen

So here I am at only 10:53 lying in bed, wide awake, wanting everything to just end. I want the night to end. I want school to end. I want Mt emotions to end. I sort of want my life to end. But again, highly unlikely. I also do that thing where I over-think everything. The guy I like.. The only guy I would risk dating again within the next, like, 5 years is going to prom… I’m not. And it sort of pisses me off because he sort of flirts with me but then said that he plans on respecting his parents wishes and not dating until he gets out of high school, and that’s all good.. But all the girls at my school are sluts (not exaggerating we’re like the smallest county but #1 in the state for teen pregnancies) and not many girls go to prom just for fun…

And that hurts me. Bad.

I haven’t asked him who he’s going with because I’m not sure I want to know.

I just want to leave. I want to leave my house, my school, this county. I want to leave behind my old life and just start over somewhere new where no one knows the things I’ve done and been through.

At this point I’ve rambled on so much I’d be surprised of anyone is still reading.. But if you are.. I guess I’ll keep writing.

I’m broken. I’ve lost the repair instructions and I’m in desperate need for someone to put me back together before I become irreparable.

I just need someone… Anyone… I’m tired of feeling completely alone all the time.