Long Nights


I had a therapist ask me what my triggers were, and at the time I couldn’t answer her, but now I could.

Nights.

The night is the most triggering thing for me.

All I want is to be held and to fall asleep in someone’s arms… Or at least be the person they dream about.

But I know that’s highly unlikely to ever happen

So here I am at only 10:53 lying in bed, wide awake, wanting everything to just end. I want the night to end. I want school to end. I want Mt emotions to end. I sort of want my life to end. But again, highly unlikely. I also do that thing where I over-think everything. The guy I like.. The only guy I would risk dating again within the next, like, 5 years is going to prom… I’m not. And it sort of pisses me off because he sort of flirts with me but then said that he plans on respecting his parents wishes and not dating until he gets out of high school, and that’s all good.. But all the girls at my school are sluts (not exaggerating we’re like the smallest county but #1 in the state for teen pregnancies) and not many girls go to prom just for fun…

And that hurts me. Bad.

I haven’t asked him who he’s going with because I’m not sure I want to know.

I just want to leave. I want to leave my house, my school, this county. I want to leave behind my old life and just start over somewhere new where no one knows the things I’ve done and been through.

At this point I’ve rambled on so much I’d be surprised of anyone is still reading.. But if you are.. I guess I’ll keep writing.

I’m broken. I’ve lost the repair instructions and I’m in desperate need for someone to put me back together before I become irreparable.

I just need someone… Anyone… I’m tired of feeling completely alone all the time.

Selfishness


You tell me it’s easy
To move on with life
You say they’re not worth it
Please don’t start to cry

But as soon as life
Gets hard for you
You come crying
Wanting me to help you

When I try to help
You say I don’t understand
One can only help
When one has felt true pain

You don’t remember
All the hell I’ve been through
You only see
The darkness in your life

Selfishness blinds
So I won’t complain
I’ll just walk away
And pretend I’m okay.

Time


Time is a weird entity that I don’t think anyone can fully comprehend. Yes, people can understand what time is and how it progresses in specific intervals, but no one has full comprehension of the feelings that time brings. There are some nights that are harder than others. They feel as if they go on until infinity ends while some don’t feel long enough. Even though both nights consist of the exact same amount of seconds one seems infinitely longer than the other. I’ve been sitting here in my bed typing and re-typing this post for about 30 minutes now and I’ve felt every one of the seconds that have ticked by. It’s only 40 minutes past midnight and I can already tell this is going to be an infinitely long night…

But Why..?

Why is it that our feelings effect how time is felt? Is it because our simple-minded selves can only handle a limited amount of feeling at one given time, and since we are so focused on the terrible feelings we are consumed with we forget about time until it seems to drag on forever. Or is it something else? Something beyond our human minds…

Here I am, a teenager that, according to society, doesn’t have any real problems, worrying about everything under the sun. I lay in my bed and try to get at least a few hours of sleep but every night my mind runs wild and decides to think of every stupid decision I’ve made and every stupid decision I’m going to make and just like that I am wide awake and the seconds feel like minutes, the minutes like hours, the hours as days. This cycle never ends, at least not for me. I go through my day, that seems like a week, and my weeks feel as months, and the months as years, are as decades, are as centuries, are as an infinite inconceivable amount of time that never seems to end.

I don’t know how I planned on this post ending but I suppose it will probably be an abrupt, awkward ending, like most things in my life but oh, well. I guess I’ll just end with the closing thought that even though we can understand the mechanics of time we can never fully comprehend the feeling of time.

The Joker


You made the jokes
I laughed along
You never knew
I cried alone

I’d never say
How bad it hurt
When you make fun
Of all my flaws

But darling
I sit alone
Every night
Just thinking

I think of everything
All the things you laughed at
All the things you said were wrong
All the things that you’ve made a joke of

I begin to draw
I drew on my body
As the blade pierces my skin
The blood spills down

Your jokes are hilarious
And I just laugh along…