Tag Archives: Lost Love

Tonights plans


So tonight’s prom and I’m staying home and planning on doing nothing more than binge watching Pretty Little Liars and eating ice cream and drinking coffee and feeling bad for myself and then getting mad at myself for being a little bitch.

But I guess that last part isn’t too out of the ordinary is it. I don’t know. I guess I’m just exhausted, not just physically but emotionally and mentally.

All I want is for Seth to hold me.. To love me.. To make me feel wanted and happy…

But I also want him to be happy and I guess if I can’t do that for him then I need to let someone else do it…

My Abuse


Something I’ve never really been able to talk about to anyone is the abuse I’ve been through. I’ve been trying to talk myself into writing about it for a while now but I never could manage it.

But I think I can now.

When I was growing up I never really got along with other girls, it was easier for me to get along with the guys, so all my friends then (and for the most part even now) were guys. One in particular, Lucas, I was always closest to. He was there for me when my mom was going through cancer and his mom was like a second mom to me. When we got into 6th grade me and Lucas starting dating (yes, I understand Jr. High relationships aren’t really relationships, but to Jr. High kids they are). At first it was great, I was with my best friend and as an eleven year old I thought I was in love. I would’ve given him anything.

But he took it first.

After about a month and a half I said something sarcastic to him (not uncommon from me) and he hit me. Hard. I didn’t know what to do, how to react. I was scared. I walked away and didn’t talk to anyone, including him, for the rest of the day. That night after ignoring all his texts, I finally answered his phone call. We talked for close to three and half hours and he apologized and to me, sounded genuine. So I forgave him.

Something I regret to this day.

Lucas then starting talking down to me, all the time. I went from being his world to nothing more than dirt. He constantly told me I was stupid and ugly and fat and that I didn’t have a real future. I cried myself to sleep every night for five months. I finally decided that I had had enough. I broke up with him.

I thought that would be the end of it. But I was terribly wrong.

He acted as if he was devastated and I felt bad for him but I avoided him in person because I knew that all he do was look at me with those gorgeous blue eyes and he could talk me into anything. About two weeks after we broke up he cornered me on the way to the buses to go home after school. He held my arm extremely tight and told me that we were going to date again and I wasn’t going to leave again because we both knew that I loved him. I was trembling and scared so of course I agreed and just like that I was dating the monster

Again.

It didn’t take me long to realize that he would talk down to me in front of anyone but he would never hit me in public. So I made sure to break up with him when there were plenty of people around, in fear for my life. But it never lasted. We dated on and off from 6th grade until the middle of freshman year of high school. And then I almost fell for it again my sophomore year. The abuse got worse throughout the years and I was too scared to leave for good or to tell someone, so I suffered though it. He got to where he molested me all the time but I somehow managed to keep him from full out raping me. I still don’t know how. He would call me around one in the morning and tell me to “please myself” and moan so he could hear me, and to send him pictures and videos. I only told him no once, and I paid for it the next day.

He took everything from me.

I found out that he had cheated on me with one of the most disgusting girls in the school, Ashley, and then I wondered if he would go to her when just I wasn’t enough, then what did he think of me, I never told him I knew about her, I didn’t have to.. it’s not like he made an effort to hide it from me. Then he told me a few weeks later that if Cayla asked if him and I were still dating that I should tell her no. I asked him why but he never answered me. She also never asked me. A few days later he was on the bus before I was and was showing his friend something on his phone and when I got on he quickly put his phone away. I asked what it was and he half-jokingly said I didn’t want to know. Well I told him that I actually did want to know. He showed me five or six pictures of Cayla in either her bra and underwear.. or less than that. I was at a loss for words and didn’t know how to react, so I didn’t. I heard about him cheating at least three other times, usually with Ashley and I would pretend to be surprised and hurt when I was told but it has become normal for me.

Spring break of my freshman year, I was at the beach with my friend and he called me and texted me countless times but I had left my phone in the hotel room. When I finally called him back he yelled at me, as I expected him to

But then he did something completely unexpected. He broke up with me. I was both relieved to be free from him but also scared of why all of a sudden he decided to leave. For the remainder of that school year up until about the third month of my 10th grade year I had no contact with Lucas whatsoever and it was great.

But then we got put into a class together.

It was a history class and we ended up having to do a project. So the whole class was in the library and he looked at me with those blue eyes. The same eyes that told me everything from “I love you” to “You stupid bitch get off the ground”. e told me to met him behind one of the bookshelves…Out of line of sight from everyone in the library. I was scared but still, I knew better than to tell him no, he’d gotten a little braver in the recent years. He still wouldn’t hi me in public but he would grab my rm hard enough for me to bruise.

So I reluctantly followed him.

He starting kissing me and touching me all over and made me jack him off. And he was whispering everything from “God I’ve missed you” to “You’re such a fucking slut” to “You’re the worst kind of perfect” (still not 100% sure what the last one meant). Right then one of the guys in our class,walked around the corner and the look on his face for half a second looked as if he either a) wanted to join in whatever the hell was going on or b) he was going to walk away and pretend he didn’t see anything.

Praise the Lord he didn’t.

I’m also relieved he didn’t make a scene. He just sort of looked at Lucas and said “dude what the hell, not here bro.” but was firm enough for us all to know that he better let me go. I’m glad he did.

About a week and half maybe two weeks later was when everything ended for good. We were in class and the teacher walked out of the room for a minute and Lucas started going at it with someone else in the class about God knows what. I walked over to him and barely touched his arm and sad he needs to calm down because in the middle of class is not the place to start a fight… he turned around and without any hesitation pushed me down into a few desks. It hurt pretty bad, but not as bad as some of the other times he hit me. The only other person who was actually paying attentionĀ  was the only girl I had befriended and I convinced her not to go to administration or anyone else and the rest of the class just thought I fell.

From that day up until current times I have been able to successfully keep Lucas out of my life. Every once in a while he gets my number from someone and texts me asking for us to talk things through so we can be friends again, but I’ve finally had enough and learned my lesson.

But it’s not like I recovered and bounced right back up. No I don’t think I will ever be the girl I was before Lucas. I can’t fully trust any guy or girl for that matter. I actively try to avoid relationships of all sorts. I have virtually no friends because I push them away in fear that they will hurt me just as Lucas did. I’ve dated since then but I’ve never really been in it. I was physically there, sure but emotionally I was gone. When I was with Lucas he sent my self-esteem to the grave and tore my heart into a billion pieces and then scattered throughout the vast unknown. I’ve never had a true crush on anyone since Lucas until now and I’m terrified to pursue it. Lucas didn’t just bruise my body, but my heart, soul and mind along with it. He’s the main reason I starting cutting and starving myself. i made a lot of my own demons but he drove them deeper into me.

He ruined me, just for hell of it.

Day Dreams and What-Ifs


I think I’m slowly starting to realize that maybe just maybe it’s not that I can’t move on without you but rather that I don’t want to. Maybe I don’t want to go a day in my life without you in it.

I’m sure that after I cried all the tears that my barely used tear ducts could manage, I would be able to go through my days as I did before I met you…

But you gave me the best days of my life, and I don’t want to lose those.

It’s weird to think that you have literally saved my life and I’m not sure you even know that. I think about you every second…
of every minute…
of every hour…
of every day…
of every week…
of every month…
of every year…

And I have no idea if I ever cross your mind. Ever.
You’re all I want but I know that since I cherish our friendship, I can’t tell you that.

And that is painful.

I have a longing desire to be held, and I used to not care by who, I would take any form of love from anyone who was willing to love me.. even if just for one night

But not now..

Now all I want is you. I want your arms to be wrapped around my body with our hands interlocked. I want to be close to you and hear your heartbeat. I want to be the reason you smile and the reason you can go through the day. I want you to look forward to seeing me at the end of a hard day at work

But I know that’s irrational
I know that you could never feel towards me what I feel towards you

You barely talk to me anymore and it seems like I’ve done something wrong.. pushed too hard… stepped too far… said the wrong thing..
But you insist I didn’t…

It’s even more terrifying because I think I love you

But I guess I’ll just have to live of daydreams and what-ifs

Follow Up


So to follow-up on the post from like 5 days ago… I finally asked the guy I liked (whom from now on I’m going to call Seth) who it was he was going to prom with and it was none other than one of the girls that I hate the most. She dated this guy who’s like my brother for close to 2 years and she broke up with him this year because, and I quote “this whole relationship has been a joke and I never loved you” AFTER TWO DAMNED YEARS!!! I ended up breaking up with the guy I was dating at the time and he decided that I was the bad guy and for him to cope he was going to treat every girl from now on like she did to my “brother”. I was (and still sort of am) genuinely and completely pissed off.

So me being a normal person didn’t mention any of this to Seth because, as much it killed me inside, it wasn’t my place. since he’s going with the slutbag I’m planning on staying home the night of prom (which I think is next week) and watching Netflix, and eating junk food and drinking coffee…

…and maybe shedding a few tears… maybe..

Well… goodnight guys. It’s still early but if I stay up much longer I’ll get depressed all over again, so I’m gonna call it a night. I’ll try to post some poetry tomorrow.

Goodbye my Love


During the day
I’m smiles
And laughs
And fun
But it’s all fake
It’s all forced

At night
I’m tears
I’m screams
I’m cuts and blood

The light in my eyes
Has been gone for years
I’ve been dead
Even before suicide

The thing is
No one sees that I’m dead
I might as well prove it
I might as well show them

Tonight may be my last
As I take these pills
And slice my skin
Don’t say you miss me
Don’t say you love me

You never actually cared
You were never there
Goodbye my love