Tag Archives: Night

Being Broken but not Rebuilt


Why is it that we can be broken into millions of tiny pieces by any given person on any given day, but it takes damn near a whole lifetime to be put back together?

Why can’t it be the other way around? What is it about our human  selves that allow us to be shattered so easily? It’s like we build up walls around ourselves and then someone says something, does something, even just insinuates something and that wall crumbles to microscopic bits. After this attack on our hearts we build this sort of partition wall to replace the wall that once stood. This partition does well at keeping the ones who care about us out because they don’t make an effort to push us too far.. but it’s shit at keeping the enemy at bay. Those who want to hurt us, look at this sorry excuse of a wall and laugh as they tear us down once more.

Are we capable of building ourselves back up to our former glory?

One hurtful word can destroy us yet one million sincere compliments couldn’t put us back together…
Are we any stronger emotionally than Humpty Dumpty was physically? He falls off a wall once and that’s it, he’s done, there is no putting him back together. Once we get hurt is there any real hope at the careful reconstruction of our fragile little hearts?

And it sucks because it’s not like I enjoy feeling under the water all the time but then there are nights like this when I almost want to feel all the pain all at once. (*Possible trigger warning*) I want to tear my skin apart. I want to go jump off the bridge by my house. I want to disappear. But I know I’m stuck here but at the same time, my blade is right there and to feel the sting of the sharp edging slicing through my thighs calm me down some, by feeling the physical pain it sort of numbs the emotional pain of this reality I’m forced to live in. There are nights like this when I long for someone to reach out and even just ask how I’m doing and then listen when I admit I feel like shit, but at the same time I don’t want help. I don’t want anyone to tell me that everything is going to be okay or that suicide isn’t the answer because dammit right now it sure feels like it  is.

I just want to move away,  start over. One of the girls I sort of rant to about my shitty home life told me that she wouldn’t be surprised if I moved away and got a legal name change, dyed my hair, changed my clothing style, and all-in-all change everything I was here. And for years ,that has been the plan. Get out. Start over, from scratch. Pretend the hell you went through never happened. Be the person you’ve always wanted to be.

That’s what I’m going to do, and honestly, I would suggest it to anyone and everyone.

My Abuse


Something I’ve never really been able to talk about to anyone is the abuse I’ve been through. I’ve been trying to talk myself into writing about it for a while now but I never could manage it.

But I think I can now.

When I was growing up I never really got along with other girls, it was easier for me to get along with the guys, so all my friends then (and for the most part even now) were guys. One in particular, Lucas, I was always closest to. He was there for me when my mom was going through cancer and his mom was like a second mom to me. When we got into 6th grade me and Lucas starting dating (yes, I understand Jr. High relationships aren’t really relationships, but to Jr. High kids they are). At first it was great, I was with my best friend and as an eleven year old I thought I was in love. I would’ve given him anything.

But he took it first.

After about a month and a half I said something sarcastic to him (not uncommon from me) and he hit me. Hard. I didn’t know what to do, how to react. I was scared. I walked away and didn’t talk to anyone, including him, for the rest of the day. That night after ignoring all his texts, I finally answered his phone call. We talked for close to three and half hours and he apologized and to me, sounded genuine. So I forgave him.

Something I regret to this day.

Lucas then starting talking down to me, all the time. I went from being his world to nothing more than dirt. He constantly told me I was stupid and ugly and fat and that I didn’t have a real future. I cried myself to sleep every night for five months. I finally decided that I had had enough. I broke up with him.

I thought that would be the end of it. But I was terribly wrong.

He acted as if he was devastated and I felt bad for him but I avoided him in person because I knew that all he do was look at me with those gorgeous blue eyes and he could talk me into anything. About two weeks after we broke up he cornered me on the way to the buses to go home after school. He held my arm extremely tight and told me that we were going to date again and I wasn’t going to leave again because we both knew that I loved him. I was trembling and scared so of course I agreed and just like that I was dating the monster

Again.

It didn’t take me long to realize that he would talk down to me in front of anyone but he would never hit me in public. So I made sure to break up with him when there were plenty of people around, in fear for my life. But it never lasted. We dated on and off from 6th grade until the middle of freshman year of high school. And then I almost fell for it again my sophomore year. The abuse got worse throughout the years and I was too scared to leave for good or to tell someone, so I suffered though it. He got to where he molested me all the time but I somehow managed to keep him from full out raping me. I still don’t know how. He would call me around one in the morning and tell me to “please myself” and moan so he could hear me, and to send him pictures and videos. I only told him no once, and I paid for it the next day.

He took everything from me.

I found out that he had cheated on me with one of the most disgusting girls in the school, Ashley, and then I wondered if he would go to her when just I wasn’t enough, then what did he think of me, I never told him I knew about her, I didn’t have to.. it’s not like he made an effort to hide it from me. Then he told me a few weeks later that if Cayla asked if him and I were still dating that I should tell her no. I asked him why but he never answered me. She also never asked me. A few days later he was on the bus before I was and was showing his friend something on his phone and when I got on he quickly put his phone away. I asked what it was and he half-jokingly said I didn’t want to know. Well I told him that I actually did want to know. He showed me five or six pictures of Cayla in either her bra and underwear.. or less than that. I was at a loss for words and didn’t know how to react, so I didn’t. I heard about him cheating at least three other times, usually with Ashley and I would pretend to be surprised and hurt when I was told but it has become normal for me.

Spring break of my freshman year, I was at the beach with my friend and he called me and texted me countless times but I had left my phone in the hotel room. When I finally called him back he yelled at me, as I expected him to

But then he did something completely unexpected. He broke up with me. I was both relieved to be free from him but also scared of why all of a sudden he decided to leave. For the remainder of that school year up until about the third month of my 10th grade year I had no contact with Lucas whatsoever and it was great.

But then we got put into a class together.

It was a history class and we ended up having to do a project. So the whole class was in the library and he looked at me with those blue eyes. The same eyes that told me everything from “I love you” to “You stupid bitch get off the ground”. e told me to met him behind one of the bookshelves…Out of line of sight from everyone in the library. I was scared but still, I knew better than to tell him no, he’d gotten a little braver in the recent years. He still wouldn’t hi me in public but he would grab my rm hard enough for me to bruise.

So I reluctantly followed him.

He starting kissing me and touching me all over and made me jack him off. And he was whispering everything from “God I’ve missed you” to “You’re such a fucking slut” to “You’re the worst kind of perfect” (still not 100% sure what the last one meant). Right then one of the guys in our class,walked around the corner and the look on his face for half a second looked as if he either a) wanted to join in whatever the hell was going on or b) he was going to walk away and pretend he didn’t see anything.

Praise the Lord he didn’t.

I’m also relieved he didn’t make a scene. He just sort of looked at Lucas and said “dude what the hell, not here bro.” but was firm enough for us all to know that he better let me go. I’m glad he did.

About a week and half maybe two weeks later was when everything ended for good. We were in class and the teacher walked out of the room for a minute and Lucas started going at it with someone else in the class about God knows what. I walked over to him and barely touched his arm and sad he needs to calm down because in the middle of class is not the place to start a fight… he turned around and without any hesitation pushed me down into a few desks. It hurt pretty bad, but not as bad as some of the other times he hit me. The only other person who was actually paying attention  was the only girl I had befriended and I convinced her not to go to administration or anyone else and the rest of the class just thought I fell.

From that day up until current times I have been able to successfully keep Lucas out of my life. Every once in a while he gets my number from someone and texts me asking for us to talk things through so we can be friends again, but I’ve finally had enough and learned my lesson.

But it’s not like I recovered and bounced right back up. No I don’t think I will ever be the girl I was before Lucas. I can’t fully trust any guy or girl for that matter. I actively try to avoid relationships of all sorts. I have virtually no friends because I push them away in fear that they will hurt me just as Lucas did. I’ve dated since then but I’ve never really been in it. I was physically there, sure but emotionally I was gone. When I was with Lucas he sent my self-esteem to the grave and tore my heart into a billion pieces and then scattered throughout the vast unknown. I’ve never had a true crush on anyone since Lucas until now and I’m terrified to pursue it. Lucas didn’t just bruise my body, but my heart, soul and mind along with it. He’s the main reason I starting cutting and starving myself. i made a lot of my own demons but he drove them deeper into me.

He ruined me, just for hell of it.

Day Dreams and What-Ifs


I think I’m slowly starting to realize that maybe just maybe it’s not that I can’t move on without you but rather that I don’t want to. Maybe I don’t want to go a day in my life without you in it.

I’m sure that after I cried all the tears that my barely used tear ducts could manage, I would be able to go through my days as I did before I met you…

But you gave me the best days of my life, and I don’t want to lose those.

It’s weird to think that you have literally saved my life and I’m not sure you even know that. I think about you every second…
of every minute…
of every hour…
of every day…
of every week…
of every month…
of every year…

And I have no idea if I ever cross your mind. Ever.
You’re all I want but I know that since I cherish our friendship, I can’t tell you that.

And that is painful.

I have a longing desire to be held, and I used to not care by who, I would take any form of love from anyone who was willing to love me.. even if just for one night

But not now..

Now all I want is you. I want your arms to be wrapped around my body with our hands interlocked. I want to be close to you and hear your heartbeat. I want to be the reason you smile and the reason you can go through the day. I want you to look forward to seeing me at the end of a hard day at work

But I know that’s irrational
I know that you could never feel towards me what I feel towards you

You barely talk to me anymore and it seems like I’ve done something wrong.. pushed too hard… stepped too far… said the wrong thing..
But you insist I didn’t…

It’s even more terrifying because I think I love you

But I guess I’ll just have to live of daydreams and what-ifs

Long Nights


I had a therapist ask me what my triggers were, and at the time I couldn’t answer her, but now I could.

Nights.

The night is the most triggering thing for me.

All I want is to be held and to fall asleep in someone’s arms… Or at least be the person they dream about.

But I know that’s highly unlikely to ever happen

So here I am at only 10:53 lying in bed, wide awake, wanting everything to just end. I want the night to end. I want school to end. I want Mt emotions to end. I sort of want my life to end. But again, highly unlikely. I also do that thing where I over-think everything. The guy I like.. The only guy I would risk dating again within the next, like, 5 years is going to prom… I’m not. And it sort of pisses me off because he sort of flirts with me but then said that he plans on respecting his parents wishes and not dating until he gets out of high school, and that’s all good.. But all the girls at my school are sluts (not exaggerating we’re like the smallest county but #1 in the state for teen pregnancies) and not many girls go to prom just for fun…

And that hurts me. Bad.

I haven’t asked him who he’s going with because I’m not sure I want to know.

I just want to leave. I want to leave my house, my school, this county. I want to leave behind my old life and just start over somewhere new where no one knows the things I’ve done and been through.

At this point I’ve rambled on so much I’d be surprised of anyone is still reading.. But if you are.. I guess I’ll keep writing.

I’m broken. I’ve lost the repair instructions and I’m in desperate need for someone to put me back together before I become irreparable.

I just need someone… Anyone… I’m tired of feeling completely alone all the time.